hi Me again...

My head is all over the place, my oldest daughter has a surgery on wensday and well I am worried, you know as any other dad would be. today we had to take some blood samples from her but it was almost impossible, ( her mom was with her for a change ) but tomorrow she'll give it another try, and if it does not work, then I'll do it.

ok Lately I have been watching an Anime series called "Death Note", it's not my kind of anime, I have to say, it's somewhat dark, considering what I like to watch or what I normally watch regarding anime, but i have been seeing it anyhow ( normally I like stuff like Ranma 1/2 or Girls Bravo, or what I think is my favorite of all time Onegai Teacher ) anyhow this one is interesting.

I won't discuss the plot of it here, because I REALLY REALLY hate spoilers, ( they piss me off ) but I have to say it makes you think about stuff, about power, and all that.

ok I have been also doing some research about my Anxiety/Agoraphobia, Earlier this year I decided to give up trying to get cured, but now I have a new daughter on her way and well my other 2 daughters and my Girlfriend, so I thought I might give it another shot.

first of all, well a few months ago I was doing a lot of Buddhist meditation, there I learned about what really is anxiety.

at least for myself, but I guess other people could have the same, anxiety is not a feeling by itself, nope, far from it, when you have panic or anxiety as far as I have felt or seen I can describe it as a complete shock of your body emotions, that lead to having panic.

so I know there is not just one feeling involved, that is why it is so hard to explain what makes you feel anxious or panicky ( what makes you feel is not the same as what you feel )

Now since sometimes during my meditation I got panicked, and if you know about meditation you are supposed to study what you feel and feel it, so I was able to see a chimera of feelings just gathering up and becoming overwhelming and then taking over my sense of peace.

the one in my case that has the most "force" seems to be the lack of self confidence, not self esteem but self confidence, and when you evaluate it from the point of view of an agoraphobic it somewhat makes sense.

and agoraphobic needs a safe place and or a safe person, that person gives you support support to carry your own persona, now if you had self confidence you would not need that "safe" place or "safe" person, right.

so this time around I am going to focus my therapy on building self confidence first, actually when you think about behavioral therapy, like exposure, it makes your brain get re-wired to stop feeling anxiety, but that has not been proven to be the case, what we have proved really is that people with high exposure, just feel less anxious. but lets think it from a self confidence POV.

if you are able to be alone on a situation that normally would cause you anxiety and you can "overcome" it, and you do it over and over and over, is not like you are building anxiety defenses, nope, believe me i have been there. you just manage to control it better.

now, if you not only get that exposition but also get to believe that you are a confident person, and that you can carry your own weight, that I think is the exit to anxiety with agoraphobia.

( this is all based on empirical research observing myself )

but it all seems to fit so much in place, that I think that after 16 years I have hitted the root of this spot on. I hope I am right, because if I am this will be the end of this for me, the anxiety.

I will share at another time more about what I believe are my "discoveries" about anxiety. for now actually to write this is causing me to get anxious, so I guess everything will be happening in due time.

ty for reading.